Thoughts of a Sprite

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

ummm ~

Warning: Extreme depression ahead, read at your own risk.

There are so many things in life that I simply do not grasp. I don't understand them, and I don't know what bothers me more, that there are these things that I do not understand, or that perhaps on some level I do get it, but I don't want to accept it.

Why is it that life begins happy, and ends sad? Is the end really the end? Faith is always tested when we or someone we love is faced with death. Death confuses me. This is something no one can know for sure, but some people believe so strongly in.

When someone dies, we mourn, but are we mourning for them, or our own mortality? Yes, you love them, and you are sorry to see them go, and you wonder if it is really the end, or if there is a heaven... which brings to light deeper questions. Your own fate comes into play. I think that is half the battle when faced with a death of a loved one. Yes, you are sad for them, but more you are sad for your loss, and you question life, and its meanings, but more deeply you question the length of your own life, and the importance, or lack there of. You begin to question all kinds of things. Like am I a good person? Is there something more to life, something more I should be doing. Am I good enough?

On to my next issue, love. What is love? I don't understand it. I understand the love of a parent, and I more than understand the love of a child, and even a dog. But how do you love someone you are not related to, and is love ever really enough? And if you know you love someone, and they love you back, why is there the push and pull, tug of war game? Why can't you just let go and say you love them? Again, it comes back to being selfish.

People look out for numero uno. They love someone so long as it is at their convenience. That is not how love is supposed to operate.

I am in a weird state; I don't know how I am supposed to feel right now. I am sad, and I have almost cried, but each time I asked myself am I sad for her or for me? And is this selfish?

I love someone, and I know this, but I am not with him. I have not cried, I am sad, but I am not. I am too busy with my own life to have time to be overly sad. Do I wish that it was different? Yes. Do I wish that I could wake up next to him in the morning? Yes. But there is school, and work, and homework... Blah blah blah. And this is just my end of it, he has all of these buts, and what if's, and I am busy's.

On to a new gripe, not quite as deep as the others but been on my mind for a long time.

There is the internet. I don't understand some things about the internet. I have moderated a couple of poetry sites now, and on both, I have commented on every new piece that is posted, in depth responses... and I find that on all of them the same three or four people are commenting, and they are moderators. Then when the moderators post something, it gets three or four responses from the other moderators... what ever happened to the other members, are they tongue tied? Have their fingers been broken? Is there some reason they can type their own poems to be read, but fail to comment on others work? It really aggravates me. I love the sight I belong to now, but where is the camaraderie? Back to the selfish theory... they just want their work read, they could care less about the work of others. I will admit, I want people to read my work, and comment on it, but I comment on everyone's work. There are a few people out there who do not fit this category and I am sorry if I have offended.

Next issue: work

People are so very hypocritical, they are your friend one minute, and the next they are stabbing you in the back. Enough said. Selfish theory comes to play once again.

I have decided that for the most part the world is a selfish place, and I consider myself lucky to have found a nitch in it. I have a handful of wonderful friends, some of them really close, like my roommate, some of them online met through a poetry sight. I have family, and I love them, for all of their idiosyncrasies. I know that I have some... and they still love me,

But when it is all said, I still feel very alone. And perhaps I am just dealing with this death thing in my own shitty way, but think about it. I sleep alone (well with my teacup Chihuahua, that is a whole other story!) I wake up alone. I will probably die alone. My roommate, cousin, best friend, will one day soon graduate, and one day (later) get married and move on with his life. I expect this of him; it is the way of things. Bonnie is getting married and moving forward with her life, this is the natural progression. People are supposed to find a partner, to share life with, or a purpose to live towards. I just feel so behind.

Draco, my dog, now that is love, unconditional love. He did not ask to be mine, he waits patiently while I am at work or at school. The best part of his day, is seeing me walk through that door, and it shows. He is so happy to see me, to have me home, you can see it in his eyes. He will love me, fat or skinny, rich or poor, single or not, successful student, or dropout. It does not matter to him. That is how love is supposed to be. So I guess I want a man to be like my dog... never thought I would say that. I think it is inappropriate to say that men are like dogs, in a bad way, there is no reason to insult the dog like that. (okay that was an attempt at humor, laugh dammit!)

Speaking of men, I called my father tonight, first time I have called him since before I graduated. I wanted to tell him about Grams, because he was once married into this family, and perhaps I was looking for some type of fatherly comfort. Boy was I disappointed. He was busy, dealing with his life, not that this is selfish per say, but wow. I am your daughter, talk to me, love me.

I quickly got off the phone. I think I am depressed. If I have offended anyone please forgive me. I am not in anyway implying that anyone specific is selfish. And I don't mean selfish in a bad way. I just think that people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they loose sight of others, even others close to them. And this is normal. It is normal to put yourself first, shit if you don't, no one will, right?

So, though I still am no closer to understanding all of these issues, and yes I consider them issues, I have come to some conclusions. Life is short, to quote a song, "the years start coming, and they don't stop coming," so live each day like it is the last. Work towards what makes you happy, but don't forget that you share this world with other people, try to help them along in their goal to live too! Try not to be jaded when looking at love, try not to give every man the flaws that some have had. Love your family and friends, because they will not always be there.

I have to read my psychology now. Yeah, yall are probably thinking this nut needs to see a psychologist, not be one... lol I promise I will update about my lovely spring break, but that is another story for another day. I may be offline for a few days, when Grams actually passes, as she has died, but her body has yet to catch up. The doctors say she probably will not make it through the night, but may hang on a week. Old habits die hard, and I guess breathing is just one of those habits. (see I don't understand why I try to make jokes out of death. I tried to be slap happy all day. I feel selfish.)

Anywho, I am going to go, I will update when I can, and hopefully I will be out of this mood, lemme tell ya.

shes_a_sprite @ 10:00 PM.

1 comments

Rachel said...

I understand, and I can not go into too much depth here, but human beings are selfish creatures. Also, death is our greatest fear, and we all have a hard time letting go of the people who we love, and it also reminds us that we are not immortal and someday we will have to face the same thing. It is all very scary, but so real.

Hang in there and allow yourself to feel whatever comes. I am here if you need to talk.

3:05 AM